Jeremy Clarkson take on Motorcycles

came across this on a local bike site thought it was good for a laugh
Those of you fans of Top Gear - knowing of Jeremy's "love" for
motorcycles - will get a good chuckle out of his article.

From The Sunday Times

October 19, 2008

Vespa GTV Navy 125

Jeremy Clarkson

Recently, various newspapers ran a photograph of me on a small
motorcycle. They all pointed out that I hate motorbikes and that by
riding one I had exposed myself as a hypocrite.

Hmmm. Had I been photographed riding the local postmistress, then, yes,
I?d have been shamed into making some kind of apology. But it was a
motorcycle. And I don?t think it even remotely peculiar that a motoring
journalist should ride such a thing. Not when there is a problem with
the economy and many people are wondering if they should make a switch
from four wheels to two.

Unfortunately, you cannot make this switch on a whim, because this is
Britain and there are rules. Which means that before climbing on board
you must go to a car park, put on a high-visibility jacket and spend the
morning driving round some cones while a man called Dave ? all
motorcycle instructors are called Dave ? explains which lever does what.

Afterwards, you will be taken on the road, where you will drive about
for several hours in a state of abject fear and misery, and then you
will go home and vow never to get on a motorcycle ever again.

This is called compulsory basic training and it allows you to ride any
bike up to 125cc. If you want to ride something bigger, you must take a
proper test. But, of course, being human, you will not want a bigger
bike, because then you will be killed immediately while wearing clothing
from the Ann Summers ?Dungeon? range.

Right, first things first. The motorbike is not like a car. It will not
stand up when left to its own devices. So, when you are not riding it,
it must be leant against a wall or a fence. I?m told some bikes come
with footstools which can be lowered to keep them upright. But then you
have to lift the bike onto this footstool, and that?s like trying to
lift up an American.

Next: the controls. Unlike with a car, there seems to be no
standardisation in the world of motorcycling. Some have gearlevers on
the steering wheel. Some have them on the floor, which means you have to
shift with your feet ? how stupid is that? ? and some are automatic.

Then we get to the brakes. Because bikes are designed by bikers ? and
bikers, as we all know, are extremely dim ? they haven?t worked out how
the front and back brake can be applied at the same time. So, to stop
the front wheel, you pull a lever on the steering wheel, and to stop the
one at the back, you press on a lever with one of your feet.

A word of warning, though. If you use only the front brake, you will fly
over the steering wheel and be killed. If you try to use the back one,
you will use the wrong foot and change into third gear instead of
stopping. So you?ll hit the obstacle you were trying to avoid, and
you?ll be killed.

Then there is the steering. The steering wheel comes in the shape of
what can only be described as handlebars, but if you turn them ? even
slightly ? while riding along, you will fall off and be killed. What you
have to do is lean into the corner, fix your gaze on the course you wish
to follow, and then you will fall off and be killed.

As far as the minor controls are concerned, well . . . you get a horn
and lights and indicators, all of which are operated by various switches
and buttons on the steering wheel, but if you look down to see which one
does what, a truck will hit you and you will be killed. Oh, and for some
extraordinary reason, the indicators do not self-cancel, which means you
will drive with one of them on permanently, which will lead following
traffic to think you are turning right. It will then undertake just as
you turn left, and you will be killed.

What I?m trying to say here is that, yes, bikes and cars are both forms
of transport, but they have nothing in common. Imagining that you can
ride a bike because you can drive a car is like imagining you can
swallow-dive off a 90ft cliff because you can play table tennis.

However, many people are making the switch because they imagine that
having a small motorcycle will be cheap. It isn?t. Sure, the 125cc Vespa
I tried can be bought for ?3,499, but then you will need a helmet
(?300), a jacket (?500), some Freddie Mercury trousers (?100), shoes
(?130), a pair of Kevlar gloves (?90), a coffin (?1,000), a headstone
(?750), a cremation (?380) and flowers in the church (?200).

In other words, your small 125cc motorcycle, which has no boot, no
electric windows, no stereo and no bloody heater even, will end up
costing more than a Volkswagen Golf. That said, a bike is much cheaper
to run than a car. In fact, it takes only half a litre of fuel to get
from your house to the scene of your first fatal accident. Which means
that the lifetime cost of running your new bike is just 50p.

So, once you have decided that you would like a bike, the next problem
is choosing which one. And the simple answer is that, whatever you
select, you will be a laughing stock. Motorbiking has always been a
hobby rather than an alternative to proper transport, and as with all
hobbies, the people who partake are extremely knowledgeable. It often
amazes me that in their short lives bikers manage to learn as much about
biking as people who angle, or those who watch trains pull into railway
stations.

Whatever. Because they are so knowledgeable, they will know precisely
why the bike you select is rubbish and why theirs is superb. Mostly,
this has something to do with ?getting your knee down?, which is a
practice undertaken by bikers moments before the crash that ends their
life.

You, of course, being normal, will not be interested in getting your
knee down; only in getting to work and most of the way home again before
you die. That?s why I chose to test the Vespa, which is much loathed by
trainspotting bikers because they say it is a scooter. This is racism.
Picking on a machine because it has no crossbar is like picking on a
person because he has slitty eyes or brown skin. Frankly, I liked the
idea of a bike that has no crossbar, because you can simply walk up to
the seat and sit down. Useful if you are Scottish and go about your
daily business in a skirt.

I also liked the idea of a Vespa because most bikes are Japanese. This
means they are extremely reliable so you cannot avoid a fatal crash by
simply breaking down. This is entirely possible on a Vespa because it is
made in Italy.

Mind you, there are some drawbacks you might like to consider. The Vespa
is not driven by a chain. Instead, the engine is mounted to the side of
the rear wheel for reasons that are lost in the mists of time and
unimportant anyway. However, it means the bike is wider and fitted with
bodywork like a car, to shroud the moving hot bits. That makes it
extremely heavy. Trying to pick it up after you?ve fallen off it is
impossible.

What?s more, because the heavy engine is on the right, the bike likes
turning right much more than it likes turning left. This means that in
all left-handed bends, you will be killed.

Unless you?ve been blown off by the sheer speed of the thing. At one
point I hit 40mph and it was as though my chest was being battered by a
freezing-cold hurricane. It was all I could do to keep a grip on the
steering wheel with my frostbitten fingers.

I therefore hated my experience of motorcycling and would not recommend
it to anyone.

The Clarksometer

If you like misery, climb aboard
__________________

 

You know, watch 5th gear a couple times and he does harp on bikes fairly hard.
also he claims cars out corner bikes because they have four tires?
Friction is not dependent upon surface area...it's dependent on weight (more mass also means more lateral forces so it cancels out).

that comment always sort of bothered me. I can't figure out how this would be true. TV wouldn't lie would it?

 

well jeremy, its called ' dual CBS" and its standard on a number of Honda roadbikes....

TSK, tsk , tsk...these journo's need to research their stories better

seems hes the dim one

at least his TV show is descent:bootyshake2:

 

As much as it pains me to say it, there is some truth in this - at least in the cases where large wings have been fitted to give the car a traction advantage in the corners through the additional down-force. That said, it takes a very special car to outrun even a modest 600 (like the Honda NSX I followed through the tight twisty corners that are abundant in south-western England. I was on the way to a wheelie-day with my Hornet last year and it was a challenge keeping up.)

I guess this article stems from the recent Top Gear Christmas special where the boys ride the length of Vietnam on mopeds. I don't know if it has been broadcast the other side of the Atlantic yet but it is well worth watching - if only to see Mr Clarkson using the tarmac to grate the skin from his proverbial. :bootyshake2:

 

Actually I thought parts of it were pretty funny. Maybe because I am a fan of Top Gear and so as I read it I hear it in his voice? dunno

sgd -- sadly no, that episode hasn't been picked up by BBC America yet, at least not that my Tivo has picked up. Actually although lately the episodes are closer to current when they air here, it used to be that they were aired here like 2 years after being filmed, so the actual informative value of the show was near nil.

 

Molsan check out this video
YouTube - Fifth Gear Honda Civic Type-R vs CBR 1000RR Honda Fireblade

it's a question of whether the bike can lean more than the car can go sideways

 

Liked that one Jeff. I have always thought that a car could out corner a bike but will concede, my thoughts are not backed up with science

 

Clarkson is:

A] a toss pot
B] a chocolate tea pot
C] an impudent poseur
D] full of himself
E] all of the above

 

I think humor is the intent of this article. Those of you who somehow took this as a personal insult need to harden the fuck up

 

I take your point
BBC urged to sack Jeremy Clarkson after he boasts over speeding at 186mph on public road | Mail Online

The BBC faced calls to sack Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson yesterday after he claimed to have driven at 186mph on a public road.

Clarkson, who has been accused of glamourising speed, boasted of driving almost 120mph over the national speed limit in an interview at the Hay Festival in Powys, Wales.

During the interview by Daily Mail columnist Rosie Boycott, the 48-year-old was asked what was the fastest he had ever driven. Mr Clarkson replied: 'On the public roads. . . 186.'

Last night road safety campaigners called for him to be sacked.

Mary Williams, chief executive of Brake, said: 'Jeremy Clarkson is extremely offensive and irresponsible. His comments are very upsetting to loved ones who have suffered a bereavement through a road crash because of a speeding driver. He is the most appalling role model for our next generation of drivers. The BBC should sack him - he is totally out of control.'

Mr Clarkson made the comment on Tuesday at the literary festival where he was talking about his life and cars.

The married father of three said he drove at 186mph on the Limehouse Link tunnel between Central London and Docklands in the world's fastest roadlegal car, a Bugatti Veyron, which has a top speed of 253mph.

He added: 'I haven't been pulled over for speed for 20 years and I have never been pulled over for speed while working on Top Gear. I don't drive very fast.

'I don't have any influence over what people do, I really don't. It makes no difference what I say. Top Gear is just fluff. It's just entertainment - people don't listen to me.'

Kevin Clinton, head of Road Safety at the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents (RoSPA), said: 'Obviously driving at such speed is illegal, dangerous and irresponsible, but Jeremy Clarkson's views on speed are well known and he often says outrageous things.

'We don't take what he says too seriously and hopefully other people don't either.'

While Clarkson may not have been pulled over for speeding the 48-year-old was hauled before court on speeding charges last year.

The Top Gear host had been accused of failing to name the driver on a speeding ticket but after an intervention from his lawyer Nick Freeman, better known as 'Mr Loophole', the case was dropped before it even began.

Mr Freeman, who has made his name acting for a string of celebrity clients, said the case was 'fatally flawed'.

Car firm Alfa Romeo had sent Mr Clarkson a speeding infringement notice, saying a car caught on a speed camera had been loaned to him.

The V6 Alfa Romeo Brera was snapped travelling at 82mph in a 50mph zone on the A40 in Ruislip, West London, on October 16 last year.

The case was dropped because although Alfa Romeo had loaned the car to Clarkson they had no information as who the driver was.

 

That's hilarious. Gotta love Brit humor.

 

Check this out, ford transit around "the ring"

Shows Clarkson up for the wally he is.

077 Top Gear - Ford Transit Nurburgring- Video

 

YouTube - Harry and Paul - Clarkson Island

 

That's pretty cool. Any idea what kind of bike has the fasted "official time" on the Nürburgring...it's a stock VFR750R RC30. Other bikes have gone around faster but since 1994 they discontinued motorcycle races so none of the times are "official."

 

comeon' I saw that episode, thought it was pretty funny
it shows how big a difference the driver really makes

 

It aired December 28 on BBC America, pretty funny episode.

YouTube - JeremyClarkson2

 

Really? That would be odd since the usual time for airing new eposides is on Monday nights. And I'm still pretty sure were are at least on season behind the current airing on BBC.

--Yep just looked it up. We in the US are on series 11 and everyone else is currently on series 12.

 

You're right, I saw a post somewhere else but they were referring to BBC2 in the UK for that date/time.
BBC - Top Gear - The Show - Production Notes

The current episodes are available as torrent files if you Google around for them, I've watched the Vietnam motorcycle episode.

 

Funniest thing I've seen in a while. Watched it last night.